Self-Esteem’s role in addiction / alcoholism

 

The mind's weird approach to self-esteem

The dictionary definition of self-esteem is: a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself, self respect.* I couldn't disagree more with that definition! I think it is safe to say that very few people have a realistic self-esteem. As a therapist I find that most people have a very depressed and unrealistically negative self-esteem... despite outward appearances.

In many cases, some of the examples of the lowest self-esteem I have seen is in people who display the greatest outward pride and ego. This may sound strange, but pride and ego are often used by the mind - sub-consciously as well as on purpose - as a defence mechanism against low self-esteem. Addiction to alcohol or drugs magnifies this effect considerably, one of the many psychological effects of this disease. See my article "The Strange Pride of Alcoholics / Addicts" (Click Here) for more on this.

The human mind really hates low self-esteem. Yet it seems to seek it out. We are our own worst critics, and for some reason we tend to focus on and exaggerate our own failures - real or perceived. We pick out our own weaknesses and short-comings, and focus on them. We can magnify them so much in our mind that they become a self-fulfilling prophecy: we come to believe in our perceived weaknesses and act as if they are true.



The mind hates low self-esteem... yet it seems determined to create it. When we do have a low opinion of ourselves, the mind experiences discomfort; it bothers us a lot. In fact, it seems to haunt us because it's always in the back of our mind, and it badly impairs our performance. How many people have blown a job interview that they should have excelled at because their low self-esteem made them so nervous that they convinced themselves they would fail? How many people have become flustered while trying to accomplish something because their own mind convinced them they would fail?

What our mind really hates - and fears - is that other people may hold us in low regard. We will resort to almost anything to make sure this doesn't happen. However, once again, our mind often underestimates the esteem that others hold for us. We are often driven to great lengths to relieve our mental anxiety over this.

In order to make ourselves feel better, the mind will drive us to achieve respect by seeking accomplishment and material show-pieces. We will spend more than we can afford to buy a flashy, impressive car. We will exercise for the sake of appearance rather than health. We buy the biggest house we possibly can, despite the financial troubles it will cause. We brag. We exaggerate our accomplishments. We outright lie about ourselves. We pump ourselves up to others.

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When I was in medical school I noticed that many of my classmates who drove themselves the hardest and were most driven to lofty accomplishments were those who obviously had the lowest self-esteem. They were driven to the flashy, highest-paying specialties.

So, in many cases, we create accomplishments, exaggerate them, go to great lengths to generate pride and ego... all to prop up a sagging self-esteem that we have created in our mind. A lack of self-esteem can lead us unhappily through life by the nose. It can control even major life decisions. We choose career paths, purchase things, do things that aren't for the best but which we think makes us look good to others. Better to look good than to feel good. And it can make us drink or do drugs. Sounds like a dysfunctional, messed-up process, doesn't it? Now, if you want to see it really messed up, watch what happens when we add alcohol or drug addiction to the equation!

Self-esteem under the influence of drugs or alcohol

Addiction and alcoholism are a famously progressive disease. As our drug or alcohol use progresses we usually see a progressive decline in ourselves. Our health, relationships, work, finances, material possessions, all suffer and decline. We are ridden with guilt, shame, and self-loathing because of our drinking or using and the behavior associated with it. As we blow off more and more responsibilities and lose more and more things, we lose our own self-respect as well as respect from others. Our self-esteem drops off a cliff. And our mind hates it.

For many people, a glaringly and painfully low self-esteem is part of what we are trying to smother when we drink or use. But, it also makes us do other stupid things in order to cover it up. As painful as it is to see what we have become, the pull of the addiction is far too strong for us too simply do the obvious: stop using or drinking and get our act together.

Feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness lead us to lie about and exaggerate our accomplishments in order to try to impress others, so as to prop up our deflated self-esteem. They may lead to us to pursuits that may be counter-productive and even harmful, such as taking steroids or spending money we don’t have. It is part of the reason we try so hard to cover up our drinking or using, and lie our faces off about it.

Low self-esteem can lead to other devastating addictions, such as sex or pornography. We often seek a relationship to prop up our self-esteem. If someone else is attracted to us, then we must be good, right? Sometimes it becomes so dysfunctional that we call it co-dependency. This is discussed in my article Relationships in Recovery (Click Here). This is why many people are incapable of being alone. The second one relationship is over they rush out to find another one by any means necessary. Their low self-esteem will not allow them to be alone without someone else there to prop up their self-esteem. In some people, sex is the ultimate self-esteem band-aid, because if someone thinks so highly of us that they are willing to give themselves bodily to us, then we must be good, right? Sometimes the drive for this is so strong that people resort to prostitutes or other dysfunctional sexual practices.

We often see in alcoholics and addicts a fierce false pride that belies their rock-bottom self-esteem; the lower the self-esteem the more pronounced the pride/ego defence mechanism. This pride and ego prevents us from admitting we have a problem and need help.

Self-esteem is important to recovery

Many addicts and alcoholics don’t feel they deserve to be sober or happy again. They feel unworthy of recovery, unworthy of love. Their low self-esteem also keeps them from believing that they are capable of recovery. This presents a major barrier to seeking and accepting help.

Besides its effects on our ability to recover, having low self-esteem is a terrible way to go through life. Correcting it is a big piece of finding peace of mind in our life and removing one of the causes of our addiction.

The importance of addressing our self-esteem issues is one of the reasons that there will never be a "pill" that fixes our addiction. Even if there is such a pill, we still need to address all the mental and emotional carnage left behind by our alcohol or drug addiction and related behaviors. If we don't, relapse is a high risk, and we won't have the peace of mind that we deserve.

This is why I encourage anyone who is in recovery or seeking to find recovery to get involved in a recovery program that specifically addresses all the issues behind our addiction. Even if we are using a "pill" - Methadone for example - to help us along, we absolutely need to be involved in a recovery program to find long-term recovery, and happiness.

Healthy and realistic self-esteem is based on an acceptance of our own worth as an individual in this world. This self-worth must be based on how we behave, how well we uphold a set of values by which we see someone as "good." This is how we defeat the cognitive dissonance (see What is 'cognitive dissonance' and why does it keep me addicted? Click Here) that haunts our mind. This is best done by coming to terms with our past actions, traumas, and the anger, resentments, guilt, self-loathing, and shame that we carry from before and during our drinking / using days. That is what recovery programs, such as Twelve Step programs (Click Here) and SMART Recovery (Click Here) help us to do.



    I strongly advise involvement in a recovery program that helps to unburden us from the horrible mental and emotional baggage that blocks our feelings of self-worth. This involves identifying and admitting our past wrong-doings, correcting the negative character traits that led us to these wrong-doings, and making amends to those we have harmed. This unburdens us from the past, and enables us to behave in the way that we believe that good people should behave. Now, we are ready to look at ourselves as worthy of esteem.

Self-forgiveness is a crucial outcome in this process (see Self-forgiveness and recovery Click Here). Without it we are unlikely to be able to love ourselves and find peace of mind... and a healthy sense of self-worthiness.

For those who have toxic skeletons in their past, such as past abuse or other significant trauma, outside help with someone skilled in treating these issues is advised (see Getting Around Past Traumas Click Here). However, the life and mental skills picked up from a program of recovery greatly assists in those efforts.

   

Then, our focus must be given to letting our feelings of self-worth to be based on who we are and how we conduct ourselves, and not on our material possessions or worldly accomplishments. Material possessions and accomplishments can fail or fall away, and our self-esteem is bound to fail as well if it is dependent on these perishable things. If our self-esteem rises and falls with our success or failure with worldly goals, then it will be fragile indeed. Besides, people who live in a mind-set where their material successes are the basis of their self-worth are never happy with what they have and where they are. Their fragile ego requires the next bigger and better thing as soon as something is achieved.

When we live with self-esteem that comes purely from being who we are and the principles we live by, we don’t need to depend on worldly accomplishments to keep our self-esteem afloat. When we do pursue a goal, we do it for the right reasons – because it is fulfilling and meaningful for us – and not because we are trying to impress someone or boast about it or drive a flashier car.

People around us notice when we live according to principles and integrity. We not only rightfully gain our own self-respect, but we gain theirs as well. Life often goes our way one week and then disappoints us the next. Our self-esteem and principles remain constant regardless of life's twists and turns. We don't need to turn to drink or drug to cope with its sudden downfall.



  * Dictionary.com