Self-Forgiveness and Recovery

Self-Forgiveness and Recovery

Recovery from addiction to alcohol or drugs or addictive behaviors involves much more than just no longer drinking or using. We have to believe we are worthy of recovery, and we have to forgive ourselves for all the terrible things we have done. Otherwise, we remain filled with those same cruel emotions that we were trying to smother with our substance use, and our "unworthiness of recovery can become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Let me start out by telling you something that I can certify as an MD and a therapist: alcoholism and addiction is a disease of biology, and not a failure of morality! All those awful behaviors fall under the umbrella of symptoms that are the hallmark of the disease. We are good people who are sick, not bad people. Those things we have done are symptoms of our sickness.

My first sponsor is a good example. He is one of the kindest, most gentle, and caring people I have ever met. He helped me and many others and expected nothing in return. Yet, when he was drinking and using he followed the typical progression: used up all his money. Used up his girlfriend's money. Borrowed from family and friends until they saw through his lies. Then, driven by his addiction to support his habit, he started boing burglaries and robberies. Knowing him as I know him now, I can't imagine him doing anything to hurt anyone. Yet he did. He was a good person driven to unsavoury behavior by a powerful disease: addiction/alcoholism.

Image result for muppet forgiveness

Give yourself a break!

When it comes to self-forgiveness, we tend to be hard on ourselves. Psychologically, it is often easier for us to give someone else a break than it is to be kind to ourselves. Difficulty with self-forgiveness leads to a conscience crowded with emotions of guilt, shame, self-loathing, and regret. These are painful emotions that can haunt us day and night. Some of us have become so accustomed to these feelings that we see them as a normal part of life, but unnecessarily so. Besides the misery they cause, they are also linked with depression, anxiety, suicide attempts, eating disorders, and – famously – alcohol and drug addiction.  Self-forgiveness is an important first step to good mental health and to spirituality. But self-forgiveness can be a double-edged sword.

Psychological research suggests that despite the benefits we can derive from forgiving ourselves can, it can also provide us with a mental excuse for negative actions, reduce empathy for others, and deter us from making amends.

In her blog entry on the Psychology Today website, Dr. Juliana Breines* points out some ways to prevent these negative aspects of self-forgiveness, based on findings from recent research. First of all, we must seek to recognize the value of guilt rather than totally erase it. Guilt provides us with motivation to avoid repeating our wrongs. The key is to shepherd these feelings to a sense of remorse, rather than self-condemnation and shame.

Making amends

Self-forgiveness will not help us unless we have owned up to our responsibility for our wrong-doings. Using self-forgiveness for avoiding culpability for our actions will not relieve our pain, and will do little to motivate change. Part of owning up to our wrongs is paying our dues for them. We are more likely to forgive someone if they make it up to us in some way, and we likewise are more likely to forgive ourselves if we’ve made amends. Receiving forgiveness from others can help us forgive ourselves, and making amends goes a long way to achieving that.

Image result for minion forgiveness
However, we don't need to be forgiven by those we make amends to for us to benefit from the effort. In fact, it is best to make amends with no expectations of forgiveness or having our past deeds shrugged off. Many people will not understand our disease. We are making amends to allow us to forgive ourselves, and our peace of mind and happiness can't be allowed to hinge on other people's forgiveness. Having said that, most people forgive us when they see us making the effort to get better.

Research has shown that self-forgiveness can impair our empathy for others. This occurs because we are reducing the impact of what we have done by reducing our guilt. We must make sure that we use our sense of remorse so as to remember the impact of what we have done to others.

Belonging to an accepting, non-judgemental group

We know from clinical research that we are far more likely to forgive ourselves when someone else forgives us. That is not something we can demand from those we makes amends to. It is arrogant of us to even ask. If they forgive us, let them do so on their own. However, if we become part of a group who has been through exactly what we have and have therefore understand us, that becomes our starting point for forgiveness from others. Part of the value of a support group is the fact that everyone there has been through the same experiences as we have, and can therefore be truly non-judgemental, and able to see the good person within.


The group of fellow- addict/alcoholics in recovery forgives us and shows love and concern for us the minute we walk through the door. They see the good person inside, not the nervous, sick wreck who is struggling to get sober. This understanding, forgiveness, and acceptance is a necessary starting point for us to begin healing and finding self-love and self-forgiveness.

There are various fellowships and support groups that are widely available. On-line, and in-person meetings are easy to find. We see when we become a part of these groups why they say that "only an alcoholic or addict understands another alcoholic or addict." And why it is so healing to be understood. No one in recovery has ever said to me: "why don't you just stop???"

Psychological research has shown that a sense of love and forgiveness from God or a Higher Power also boosts our efforts. For those who are spiritual or who's beliefs allow, seeking this connection is healing.

Once we have found love and forgiveness for ourselves, we see that we are good people who were sick, and worthy of recovery. We are well on our way to health.

Clearing the mental clutter

Alcoholism and addiction are very much a disease of altered psychology. Our thought processes have been warped by the effects of our substance on our brain, and these pathological thought processes were instrumental in keeping us drinking or using. Taking a pill that is vaunted to help us recover will not address this dysfunctional psychology. So, we need to find a recovery program that helps us rid ourselves of the mental clutter and pathological thinking processes. That is when we find peace of mind, and a far greater shot at permanent recovery.

If we want to remain in recovery long-term, we must correct the disordered mental functions that brought us there, or surely we will fall. Finding an ability to love and forgive ourselves is the start of this process. Regardless of how we get sober, this must be addressed if we are to maintain it.

There is more than just sobriety that comes from self-forgiveness. We finally get peace of mind, something we may not have known for a very long time, if ever. This changes the quality of our day-to-day life and gives us new perspectives as we face what life deals out to us.

The Twelve Step program is a type of psychological therapy designed to lead us to a healthy self-forgiveness – among other things – as part of the process of healing. As a psychotherapist I have been singularly impressed with the Twelve Steps as a program of psychological therapy that corrects the pathological psychology that creates and drives alcohol or drug addiction. It has a proven track record over the last 80+ years, and has been upheld by scientific study as the leading successful method of achieving long-term sobriety.

There are other programs that also address the things that made us drink and use. SMART Recovery is one that is well-known. Regardless of which method of recovery you use, the important thing is to get better. Make sure a path to loving and forgiving yourself is part of it. You are important to me, and I want you healthy, sober, and living life. So give yourself a break!



To learn more about the science and psychology of addiction and recovery, and to understand why alcoholics and addicts behave the way they do, see the author's book The Alcoholic / Addict Within.

Available for sample or purchase in paperback and ebook editions at amazon.com (Click Here).  

*Breines, Juliana. (Jul 12, 2012). The Dangers of Self-Forgiveness—And How to Avoid Them. Psychology Today. Blog entry. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-love-and-war/201207/the-dangers-self-forgiveness-and-how-avoid-them

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