Relationships in Recovery

Most of us are enormously mentally and emotionally vulnerable in early sobriety. After all, we have just been thrashed by “the lonely disease.” We are fittingly said to be left with a void deep inside of us. I think of it as a cavern: deep, dark, damp, and shivery. Many will experience an unconscious urge to fill this cavernous void with a rushed romantic relationship based on immediate neediness. Anybody in early recovery - or even further on in recovery - needs to watch out for relationship land mines that can blast us back into our cups. After all, we have just been through hell by using alcohol or drugs as a dysfunctional coping mechanism, so we want to make sure a relationship doesn't become just another dysfunctional coping mechanism.


This void inside of us cries out to be filled. Following a program of recovery that focuses on ridding us of the horrible black emotions that created that void is a must. This is the regret, shame, self-loathing, anger, resentments, and false inflated pride. When we shed these emotions, we fill that void with good fellowship of friends in recovery, a changed way of seeing the world, and perhaps spirituality. We must be careful about allowing our minds to fill the void in other ways.

Relationship to replace alcohol/drugs?

Pursuing a relationship because we cannot stand being alone and need someone to prop us up is a recipe for disaster. Besides, we owe it to ourselves and to the person we are with to be emotionally stable and comfortable in our own skin before we pursue anything like a romantic relationship. Otherwise we are only taking, not giving. Besides our emotional neediness there is another aspect that can make relationships particularly perilous. When we are newly in recovery we tend to not have a lot going for us in terms of a romantic relationship. Our dating profile would read: “alcoholic-addict newly sober, no remaining assets, emotionally broken, needy, physically sick seeks rescue-minded companion for unstable relationship.” Well, that’s how it should read, but our alcoholic-addict pride would have us being much less truthful in order use our “stage character” to draw someone to us. We will try to inflate ourselves so as to draw someone in.


  The people we will attract at that point in our lives are probably also struggling in life. If we find someone who needs us just as badly, we run the risk of co-dependency, which is when we have an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, particularly a partner who requires our support in return due to an illness or addiction; a very unhealthy situation that is likely to train-wreck. We risk mistaking gratitude and need for love: the mouse pulling the thorn from the lion’s paw in the fairy tale. We should look for someone when we are strong and standing on our own, with our house in order, as well as our lives, so that we are attracted to someone for the right reasons and have something to offer in return. A little patience is prudent… it will come.

Already in a relationship?

For those who are already in a relationship, patience is also required. Take heart… no matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens (so said Abraham Lincoln). We must recognize our partner’s needs after all we have put him or her through. We are so excited and pumped up and confident about our recovery, we can hardly contain ourselves! We know that this time we truly do have something different, but our partner will still have those lingering doubts and memories, and may be outright distrustful and skeptical of our newfound sobriety. How many times has he or she heard empty promises and outright lies from us?

We made our partner sick

Just as we were physically, mentally, and spiritually sick during our drinking/using days, our behavior and everything we put our partners through has made them sick. We want only to forget the past and move on, but our partner is not yet willing to forget. Our battered self-esteem desperately needs validation, and we are disappointed, perhaps even angry and resentful, when that isn’t forthcoming. So, it can lead to bitter fights. For those who are using the Twelve Steps to achieve sobriety this is the time to try out our new empathy and selflessness skills.


If we find it difficult to generate some empathy for our partner we should try asking ourselves: If my partner would have put me through what I put him or her through, would I have stayed by him/her? If my partner had lost all those things that were important to us like I did, would I be angry? Would I still be in this relationship? Would I trust him/her at this point? Now the empathy starts welling up… but, what should we do with that empathy? For those who are involved in a complete program of recovery there is change and optimism in the air. We are finally seeing and ridding ourselves of those defects of character that made us drink and behave as we did – we are “cleaning house.” However, our loved ones are not learning to “clean house” like we are. They have no Twelve Step program, or whatever program we are using, no one helping them through the anger and resentments and emotional pain like we do. We need to express our empathy by understanding our partner’s pain and not responding in kind when he/she lashes out at us. We must use the skills we are learning in our program to diffuse confrontation, avoid arguments, and avoid retaliation when emotions are high. This is an early and meaningful test of our ability to shed our character defects. It is the Twelve Steps, or whatever program we are using, being applied to our relationship. What about when our partner is also an alcoholic?

Misery loves company

It is a sad truth of psychology that “misery loves company.” Once again, our disease amplifies this ugly aspect of our mental make-up. When we are actively drinking or using we are consumed with guilt, shame, and regret. Our cognitive dissonance (psychological pain from our behavior) is profound, and our selfish alcoholic-addict mind can seek to reduce that dissonance by compelling us to surround ourselves with people who are doing the same as us. We also try to pull down those around us, including loved ones.  After all, our behavior can’t be that bad if everyone else is doing it too, right? This “misery loves company” syndrome typically occurs straightaway in relapse, and if someone at hand, such as our partner, is in recovery we see them as an easy target. In The Twelve Step fellowship the situation where one of a couple relapses and then strives to cause the other to fall is known as “hostage taking.” An apt description.


A couple I know in recovery recently came back from a relapse. The husband, Matt, confided that he relapsed on his own, and then tried to get his wife Angela to relapse with him. She refused, and tried to help him but he kept pushing her, playing on her weaknesses until she finally did relapse. Now back in recovery, he feels awful about dragging her down with him, especially because she is having a tough time of it and had to return to a rehab facility. Matt loves Angela very much, but with his first drink his alcoholic-addict selfishness and cognitive dissonance returned with a vengeance, and “misery loves company” syndrome won out over his love. It compelled him to shove Angela under the bus. We must use our knowledge of “misery loves company” syndrome to avoid becoming that company when a friend or loved one relapses or is still “out there.”

Final thoughts

A relationship should be a rewarding connection based on give and take. Using it as a coping mechanism to prop up our deflated self-esteem or because we can't stand being alone will almost certainly lead to trouble. We are inventing life anew and doing things right, so let's do the same with our love life.



To learn more about the science and psychology of addiction and recovery, and to understand why alcoholics and addicts behave the way they do, see the author's book The Alcoholic / Addict Within.
Available for sample or purchase in paperback and ebook editions at amazon.com (Click Here).