The Turning Point to Recovery

My experience in working with people with addictions has been that NO ONE is incapable of recovery from addiction, no matter how far gone they are. Every single person - no matter what drug they use, how messed up their life is, and how broke they are - can successfully recover permanently.

What's more, my experience has been overwhelmingly that once people are in recovery their life comes back to them. Good, fulfilling life. As long as they take care of ONE thing: their recovery. Just the other day I was talking with a guy that I remember from when he first came in for help. Dude was about as far gone as anyone could be: using crack cocaine, heroin, meth, literally anything he could get. He was homeless, living under a bridge (literally!). He had lost everything. Physically, he looked like hell. He had tried many times to escape his addiction but always failed. Until, that is, he reached the turning point.

The other day I ran into this guy after not having seen him for a while. He looked fantastic, radiated enthusiasm for life, and had just celebrated a year in recovery from substances of any kind. He was working a job he loved, his family had come back into his life, and he was living life again. A far cry from the junkie who lived under a bridge and looked like death a year before. He almost tripped over his tongue trying to tell me about all the stuff going on in his life. Life came back to him.

So, what was the turning point that allowed him to finally recover from addiction? It was the exact same turning point that I have seen in everyone else who successfully escaped addiction and found life again.

There is a turning point that people who are in active addiction to drugs or alcohol must reach before they will achieve successful recovery. That is the point where they are willing to give up control.

The point where people turn the corner and find successful recovery is not a physical thing, it's a mental thing. A mental readiness to give up the addict/alcoholic's pathological need to be in control, to do things their way, to pick and choose what they do to escape substance addiction rather than put both feet into the effort.

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It quickly became clear to me as I began my work in addictions that people with addictions have a pathological need for control, which seems to be a universal symptom of the disease. I experienced the same when I was in active addiction to drugs and alcohol.

This need for control is actually a psychological effect of addiction. Whether we are addicted to alcohol, or drugs, or a behavior such as gambling or shopping, we are secretive about our behavior, and we have a strong need to control our lives so that we can make sure that we always have access to our drug, or drink, or credit card, or whatever we are addicted to. If we give up control we might not be able to get our next drink or drug, so we hold firm to our need to be in control of what we do and where we are.

Our non-addict friends and family are trying to stop us from drinking or using, and when we are with them, we can't do what we need to do to get our drink or drug, and to consume them. When we are on our own we can do whatever we want, and we are in control. That's why we push away people who are trying to help us. With no one around to nag us or to stop us, we are in total control of what we do.

When we are trying to get clean or sober, we still have that addict/alcoholic's need for a feeling of control. I call it the "open door" effect. Our addicted mind - no matter how bad we want to be in recovery - needs us to keep the door to picking up our drug or drink open just a crack, just in case we need to go in there again. If recovery is too hard, or if we are having a bad day, our addicted mind wants us to keep a clear track back to our drug or drink... just in case. That's why we leave our dealer's number on our phone.

One of the reasons that people try to get clean and sober on their own - despite repeated failed attempts in the past - is because to accept help is to give up control, and the addicted mind doesn't like that.

Besides the need to give up our need for control, we need to "close the door" in our mind, shut down that pathway to drinking or using that we keep open "just in case." In other words, we need to make a conscious decision that the pathway back to our drink or drug is no longer open, no matter what. We mentally move from "I can't drink or use" to "I won't drink or use."

Once we accept that we are closing that door that leads back to picking up our drink or drug, we can let go of our need for control. That is when we can let go, admit that we can't stop drinking or using on our own, and accept help fully. To do what the addictions professionals tell us we need to do, both feet in.

If we haven't given up our need for control, we will cherry-pick our help without fully committing to it. I have seen it many many times in my work with people with addictions, and I went through the same process in my own addiction. People who want to get sober but haven't given up their need for control will refuse in-patient treatment, because even though their heart knows they really need it to get better, their addicted head tells them no, because they are no longer in control when they are in supervised rehab. Likewise, people who do the 12 Step program will go to meetings, but they won't engage in the full program. They have only one foot in the program, and it usually doesn't work. Addiction to substances is too hard to escape with half-measures, we must be fully committed.

Another aspect of the need for control is the belief that one day we can go back to drinking and using safely, or "responsibly." We know from data from the U.S. National Institutes of Health that more than 90% of people with addictions will end up right back where they started if they try to drink or use again, even after years in recovery. Maintaining this belief that we can be in recovery for a while and then things will change, that if we start to drink or use again "THIS time it will be different" is known as the insanity of alcoholism/addiction (click here). Recovery is a life-long thing.

To be sure, there are lots of people out there who can drink or use and control it. But, about 14% of the population can't. If you are not yet sure if you are one of that 14%, give it a try. Try to control your drinking or using and see how it turns out. If you can't stop but want to, you are in good company.

Lots of people in active addiction are miserable and really want to quit, but they are not yet mentally ready to give up that control, to "surrender" to recovery. To give up control means admitting defeat, admitting that you can't stop on your own, and it means being ready to give yourself completely to do what it takes to get free of addiction.

That means getting help, and accepting the help. Not picking and choosing what parts of the help you want to use, but doing what you are told you must do to recover. My own experience was that I tried for four long years to stop drinking and using "my way," insisting on maintaining control and picking and choosing what help I would take. I mean, I'm a doctor, right? I know how to beat this. Yeah, right. Of course it never worked.

When I finally did "surrender" and give up control, and decided to do exactly what the addiction counselors at the detox center told me I needed to do, a wave of relief came over me, because I somehow knew that this was the way to recovery. And I haven't used drugs or alcohol since, and the obsession and the cravings and the thoughts of drinking or using have long since left me. Because I gave up my need for control and did what those who could help me told me that I needed to do.

My experience in working with people with addictions is that we go through four stages of readiness to surrender control and get better. For a description of these see "How to Help and Alcoholic or Addict" (click here).

Another factor that must be taken care of as we seek recovery is help for any mental health issues we may have. More than half of people with substance addictions have an underlying mental health disorder. In fact, many people became addicted because they used substances to "self-medicate" their mental health symptoms. Often they might not even recognize it. It was what happened to me. I was a practicing doctor but I still went after the "quick fix" of substance use rather than seek help for my mental health problems (I have chronic, recurrent depression).

The problem is that mental health disorders and addiction go hand-in-hand. They have the same risk factors, many of the same genetic causes, and share many symptoms. The medications that usually work so well for mental health symptoms don't work if we are drinking or using, because the substances disrupt the medications' effects. As well, it's hard to get sober if we have active mental health symptoms. So, it's important to get help for both problems at the same time, or we will have a hard time of it.

If you want to know more about mental health and addiction, see:

*The Link Between Mental Health and Alcoholism/Addiction (click here)

*Alcoholism/Addiction and Depression (click here)

*PTSD and Substance Use (click here)

*Alcohol and Mental Health - A Journal Entry (click here)

*"Anhedonia" in Drug or Alcohol Withdrawal (click here)

Recovery is a great place to be. Life seems so much better once you have been through the hell of addiction or alcoholism and you are living again. It's a beautiful thing to wake up in the morning and to think of something other than where our next high will come from, where our dealer is, how much money we have or how can we get some, or where we might have a bottle stashed. To be free of the obsession, cravings, and thoughts of drinking or using is a wonderful thing. It's worth the effort, and it is within reach for everyone who turns that corner.

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